Choosing the Best SOUL MATE Summary

SUMMARY: SIECUS REVIEW OF Choosing the Best SOUL MATE

Choosing the Best SOUL MATE is a fear- and shame-based abstinence-only-until-marriage program designed for eleventh and twelfth grade and written by Bruce Cook, the founder of Choosing the Best, Inc.  SIECUS reviewed the first edition which was published in 2004.

This program differs from the other curricula in the series as it pays very little attention to topics related to sexuality and focuses almost exclusively on relationships and marriage.  Even those topics often given a lot of time in other abstinence-only-until-marriage programs, such as STDs and condoms, are glossed over in favor of discussions and exercises about character, self-control, cohabitation, and planning for the future.

In addition to omitting important information, this curriculum aims to push a singular agenda of marriage promotion. It tells young people in no uncertain terms that marriage is not only the best relationship but the only morally appropriate venue for adult sexual behavior.  To do so the curriculum highlights the benefits of marriage, the perils of premarital sex, and the problems of cohabitation.  Other biases, most notably stereotypical views of gender, are also present throughout. 

The Marriage Mandate—Making Sure All Students Follow One Relationship Trajectory

The Benefits of Marriage

• The curriculum describes marriage as the “super-glue that holds a relationship together as it matures.” It goes on to say that marriage reduces fear of abandonment issues, fosters trust, and encourages resolving conflicts and disagreements (Choosing the Best SOUL MATE, Leader Guide, p. 47).
• Students are asked to pack their “marriage survival kit” by selecting five items from a list of 18.  Possible items include  “a commitment to working to maintain and improve your relationship,” “set of cookbooks,” “framed copy of marriage license and best wedding photograph,” “Book: ‘What Wives Wish Husbands Knew About Women,’” and “phone number of the nearest florist” (Choosing the Best SOUL MATE, Leader Guide, p. 42).

The idea that marriage reduces fear of abandonment, fosters trust, and resolves conflicts is not supported by research.  Moreover, many of the items suggested for the “marriage survival kit” cover skills that young people should learn because they can help them in future friendships and relationships regardless of whether they ever marry. The emphasis on marriage as the only beneficial romantic relationship reveals the author’s underlying bias and agenda of marriage promotion.

The Perils of Premarital Sex

• “Sexually active girls are 3 times more likely to experience depression than virgin girls” (Choosing the Best SOUL MATE, Leader Guide, p.10).
• “Sexually active guys are 2 times more likely to experience depression than virgin guys” (Choosing the Best SOUL MATE, Leader Guide, p.10).
• “Teen sex quite often has a negative impact on self-esteem” (Choosing the Best SOUL MATE, Leader Guide, p.10).
• “Condoms offer no protection against HPV (human papilloma virus)” (Choosing the Best SOUL MATE, Leader Guide, p.10).
• “There is no evidence that condoms protect against genital herpes and Chlamydia” (Choosing the Best SOUL MATE, Leader Guide, p.10).

The author’s preferred focus on the inevitable consequences of premarital sexual activity is clearly designed to scare students rather than to educate them.  The curriculum could better serve students by explaining that although condoms and other contraception are not 100 percent effective in preventing pregnancy and STDs, there are steps that sexually active couples can take—like using their methods consistently and correctly every time—to improve the chances of avoiding unintended pregnancy and STDs.

The Arguments Against Cohabitation

• In the story of Shannon and Trey, who move in together six weeks after they begin dating, the author tells us that Shannon thought it was a temporary arrangement and that surely she and Trey would get married. Trey, on the other had, was content with their relationship and felt they had “plenty of time” for marriage.  According to the curriculum, “Her fears were confirmed: Trey was clearly not going to consider a long-term marriage relationship.  But why? Didn’t he love her?” (Choosing the Best SOUL MATE, Leader Guide, p. 46).
• “Married couples that cohabited first experience a 50% higher divorce rate than couples that did not live together before marriage” (Choosing the Best SOUL MATE, Leader Guide, p. 46).
• “Unwed couples living together may have problems making and keeping commitments” (Choosing the Best SOUL MATE, Leader Guide, p. 46).

It is not the place of any educational program to mandate relationship choices for students.  Moreover, while these discussions are meant to shape young people’s future relationships, they may very well impact how young people see their own family.  We have to remember that many students may be living with parents who are not legally married.  Suggesting that these relationships are fragile and their parents lack commitment skills can only alienate these students.

The Importance of Virginity Pledges

• “Because I want to experience freedom from the risk of STDs, unplanned pregnancy, negative emotional and relational consequences
  and…
  Because I want to experience freedom to pursue the greatest potential for fulfillment and happiness in a lasting marriage relationship, as well as to achieve my personal goals…
  I am choosing, from this day forward, to be sexually abstinent until marriage” (Choosing the Best SOUL MATE, Leader Guide, p. 48).

Research has found that, while under certain circumstances virginity pledges can help a select group of young people delay intercourse, pledges taken by an entire class as part of a lesson were not effective. Moreover, even when they work, pledges only help young people delay intercourse for approximately 18 months (far short of marriage), and young people who took a pledge were 1/3 less likely to use contraception when they did become sexually active than their peers who did not pledge.[i]  Far from providing a solution to the complex problems of unintended pregnancy and disease transmission, these simplistic pledges undermine the use of contraception among teens, potentially exposing them to greater harm.

Promoting Biases—Presenting Stereotypes as Fact

The Differences Between Guys and Girls

• One exercise asks young people to look at pictures which depict guys in football jerseys and a girl in a cheerleading uniform attempting to convince others of a point using a chart and a megaphone.  The instructor is supposed to explain:  “Look at the two pictures at the top of the page – one showing a guy who is good at getting things done and a girl who excels at relationships.”  It goes on to say “Our guy will do well in ‘success situations’ that give him a chance to plan and achieve his goal; while our girl will excel in situations that allow her to influence and interact with people” (Choosing the Best SOUL MATE, Leaders Guide, p. 18).
• “Deep inside every man is a knight in shining armor, ready to rescue a maiden and slay a wicked dragon.  When a man feels trusted, he is free to be the strong, protecting man he longs to be” (Choosing the Best SOUL MATE, Leader Guide, p. 51).
• “Occasional suggestions and assistance may be all right, but too much of it will lessen a man’s confidence or even turn him away from his princess” (Choosing the Best SOUL MATE, Leader Guide, p. 51).

The suggestion that young people’s skills and success depends on their gender is outdated. Moreover, the implication that women should not have their own ideas, or worse, should suppress them in order to make men feel good, is remarkably offensive. Students are never challenged to question the nature, validity, or origin of these gender stereotypes, or to explore how stereotypes affect communication within friendships or sexual relationships. Such a presentation is detrimental to all young people by limiting their options, influencing their behavior, and coloring their expectations for future relationships. Instead, students need to learn that both men and women are sexual beings and are equally responsible for making decisions regarding sexual activity.